have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
