Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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