mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
