A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
