That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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