Just fell off a train. Bad.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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