If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
