I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
