i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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