i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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