Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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