The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
