just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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