i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
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