i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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