I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
