So drunk its hurt
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
