I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
