4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
