matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
