im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize