I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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