I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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