he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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