"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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