I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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