Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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