i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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