So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
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Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
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