She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
