as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.