dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP