I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
