Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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