Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
