do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My ATM looks so different sober.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
