No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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