If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
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He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
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You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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