That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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