you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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