Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
