Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
