He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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