walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
