Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
