I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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