I just pynch a tree in the face
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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