Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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