cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
