You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
