I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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