You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
