I think im going to throw up on grandma
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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