I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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