Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
