If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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