Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
