i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Randomize
