I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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