I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.