Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Sorry about my life...