dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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